The Relationship Advice Column
by TCBN
Summary: Someone in South Park High is writing a relationship advice column in the school paper using letters of feedback... Plot twists. (No gay pairings) You, the reader, are allowed to take part in the story and "submit" a letter to Revlon asking for advice, meaning it will be uploaded in the next chapter with a reply.
1. Chapter 1

Revlon.

Everyone at South Park high was clamoring about the Noir red lipstick brand name. It wasn't because of the bold red hue that complimented your skin or the ease of application of the lipstick in itself or even the sexy looking black and gold casing it was in. It was a pseudonym for someone very secretive. It was a name that hid someone's identity. What you had to do was write a letter to an email called REVLON asking for relationship advice. Then, in the next week's newspaper, there would be an article explaining what to do and how to get out of that predicament.

_Revlon._

_My boyfriend dumped me for another girl with bigger boobs than me! What do I do?_

_Petrified Blonde_

_Dear Petrified Blonde._

_This foul and shallow boy has a very poor regard for other people's feelings. He will leave a poor unsuspecting girl the instant a girl with a better set of tits ambles along. A normal and decent guy will always look past the mountain ranges no matter how perilously rugged or stumpy and stunted they are and adore your personality no matter the color of your eyes or if you're allergic to cheese. I say that you must knit back together your crumpled and pain riddled heart and keep looking for a guy who likes you for who you are, regardless of your skin color, bra size or even the fact you have a mole on your chin the shape of Africa. _

_Revlon._

The boys sat at the cafeteria table, surrounding Kenny who held the school article in amusement, glancing at the column. Kenny stared at the news article, frowning in curiosity. There had to be someone special behind this very very informative person called Revlon. Kenny was thinking maybe it was a chance that he could get with this mystery girl. He love a challenge.

"Who do you think's writing behind Revlon?" Kenny asked

"Probably a group of girls or something" Stan shrugged

"But it seems so personal, like one person wrote it" Kenny replied, "As if it was done by one girl.. I mean anyone could easily have written this but not a group"

"And why are you so curious as to who this is?" Kyle shrugged uninterested

"Because I love someone who loves a little mystery" Kenny shrugged

"You won't succeed, dude" Kyle warned

"Challenge accepted!" Kenny grinned

"I didn't say it was a challenge to-" Kyle began

"I said. Challenge Accepted"

"Aw jesus" Stan sighed and pinched his nose. Getting involved with the school paper meant talking to other people outside of his group. The group got up

**AN: Have a relationship problem in real life? Submit and Revlon will try and solve it! Send it via PM or Review and laugh as Revlon attempts to piece back together a solution. Ps. Fake letters can be sent, too! Revlon will try and be serious through the replies, if you want to send a letter to put in the story and respond to and genuinely want a random's opinion on the matter in dead seriousness. Also, you are allowed to pose as canon characters writing a letter. No matter the letter, I'll submit it and reply to it as _Revlon_**


	2. Chapter 2 (RE-READ! REVISED!)

_Dear Revlon_

_I don't know what to do, I talk to my boyfriend about heaps of guys and he suddenly wants to break up with me. I personally think that we shouldn't end the relationship over this. How do I get him to stay? He said that he was a shit boyfriend as I supposedly flirt with other guys._

_Freaking Out_

Revlon sat at her desk, musing over this sweet juicy piece of news. Surely this would turn into a horrible mess. It was her job. She gives advice and she couldn't help if something went bad.

_Freaking Out_

_You should tell him that you may discuss about other guys with him but the only guy that is of importance to you is him so he shouldn't worry about the possibility of losing you to another guy, that is, if you ARE being loyal to this guy. I'll be watching you._

_Revlon._

_Xx_

Few people were sure or certain who Revlon was. Kenny wanted to find out who she was so he could bang her. Maybe they could meet up or Kenny could pretend to be Mysterion. Or something. So he tried to write a letter to appease to this new girl… He rifled through past news paper articles containing Revlon to try see who it was. He laughed through the past papers in the hall.

_Revlon_

_My mom's garage just recently caught fire.I know it was the rabbit's heat lamp exploding, but for some reason I really want to blame my sister, what do you think? How should I try to blame her?_

_Pyromaniac_

_Xx_

_Pyromaniac_

_I have no idea if to take this as a euphemism for something less orthodox than described._

_Revlon._

Xx

Revlon

why are there no girls over 6 feet at this school

from

Clyde

Xx

_Clyde_

_This is because the vast majority of the girls here are still growing up through puberty._

_Revlon._

_Xx_

_Dear Revlon_

_I recently met a boy at camp, he seems so kind and caring, but he's two years older than me, and he wants things that I don't feel ready to do (you get what I mean?)... Despite this, he respects me and treats me great I just feel guilty not being able to return the favor... What should I do?_

_From the hardcore eco warrior_

_Xx_

_Dear hardcore Eco Warrior_

_You should not feel pressured into doing activities that do not make you comfortable. Your new guy should be understanding of this and not pressure you into things you do not want to do. If he does guilt trip and pressure you, maybe he isn't so great after all. If he understands your discomfort, That is fantastic. You shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to do these activities and both of you should respect that._

_Revlon._

_Xx_

_Revlon_

_I am freaking out about this K dude that I will not identify. He's a really big nerd and everything. I went to his house to do a make up review on YouTube and I started to fancy him more than a friend. I'm freaking out about what other people would say if I date a nerd._

_Makeup_

_Xx_

_Makeup_

_Take K out on a date. If other people think it's weird that you're dating a nerd, that's their fucking problem and they are CLEARLY not very good friends._

_Revlon._

Kenny realized that over the years, Revlon became more detailed and serious in her talk. Like Revlon, Kenny was to take his mission seriously. The problem was, a few other people had other people on their radars.


	3. Chapter 3

Revlon rifled through her endless supply of emails, responding and reading. She came across an interesting letter.

_Dear Revlon,_

_I have a major crush on a popular guy In my school. Sadly, I think he has a crush on my school's popular girl... I mean, he gives me hints that he likes me; like playing with my hair, wearing my gloves/hats, asking me personal questions, saying that he cares about me... But he lets the popular girl wear his hoodies, jackets, hats. He hugs her, and holds her hand... I don't know if I'm heartbroken or immature... Please tell me what you think?_

_-Painted in Blue_

Revlon soon reread this email and came to the conclusion that the guy with a disgusting player. She scoffed at this and left it for later. She re-read the email about Wendy worrying about Stan wanting to leave her. She was just about to reply when a new email came across. She read this and froze.

_Dear Revlon,_

_I've lived in South Park for a while now and I've made some great friends! I have one named W-JENNY. She's dating this reeeeeeeaaaaally nice guy. My problem is, I kinda...maybe...sorta...have a HUGE crush on him. I don't want to tell her because she's my BFF and that would be breaking Girl Code...but if I don't tell her it'll just bottle up inside me untill I explode...What should I do? _

_Sincerely terrible BFF_

Revlon breathed through her nose. Something was clearly up with Stan, Wendy and some other girl. Wendy was flirting with other guys and Stan had wanted to leave her. But there was a darker story to be unraveled when she opened the new email. She couldn't publish this to the school paper. It would destroy everything for Wendy. She re-read the email.

This girl was the reason Stan wanted to leave Wendy. It wasn't because she was hitting on guys. It was because Stan must have noticed someone on his radar. She sighed and started the reply and loaded it for the next week's school paper.

_Dear Terrible BFF_

_Firstly, I would personally wait before pouncing on the meat as he's already with someone right now. I smell a break up in the midst but I wouldn't get exited. Just wait your turn and when they do part ways, let time heal the break up wounds and dive in for your meat. DO NOT break them up, because if you do, you will loose your best friend. Patience is key. _

_Revlon._

This way, Revlon was safe. She has defended the couple and she has defended the other woman. This way, both parties were happy. Wendy was scared Stan would leave her and now she'll know why…. Revlon was sure that her advice was good, but she never seemed to act on it herself. She wasn't sure why this was.

Xx

Kyle was rifling through his bag, trying to sort out what books were to stay in his locker and what went home with him for homework. He looked aside at the news article on the floor as he packed his bag, Kenny was caressing Bebe with great infatuation.

"You're so beautiful, you know that?" Kenny mumbled, stroking her hair lovingly

"I do" Bebe blushed as Kenny kept at this

"I love your coat" Bebe shrugged off Kenny's parka, "But I can't steal it"

"I love giving the affection to those who need it" Kenny winked

"I hope you don't say that to other women" Bebe teased

Kyle bent and picked the article up reading it.

_Dear Painted In Blue_

_The man you are sussing out is without a doubt friend zoning, dating, two timing and dumping multiple girls at once. Proceed with caution and have a guard up. If he shows greater affection to you, make it clear to him that he has another girl on his radar and YOU I hope to god, do not want to date a player such as Barney Stintson_

_Revlon._


	4. Chapter 4

Sam slowly tucked the letter reply in his pocket as if it was a treasured piece of gold.

_Dear Revlon, _

_I am decent at flirting, but I am not very good at bringing girls out of casual conversation. There's this one girl I like, but we've been friends for a long time, but I can never manage to imply my feelings to her, and I'm scared of being direct. My friend said you helped him. I only hope that you can help me too. _

_Sincerely, Anonymous_

_Anonymous_

_Everyone has a very hard time trying to open up to someone they like and I get that it's exceptionally hard to make ends meet. My personal piece of advice is to try and keep trying. I know it sounds lame and everything but everyone struggles to admit and I know that being direct is a very hard thing to do. I would simply hint or ask her or him out more often or even both. Frankly, what harm is it in asking them directly? If you don't then you just miss the boat and the person you like will move away or get taken! _

_Revlon_

Kenny walked up to Sam with a grin on his face.

"Hey, dude, do you know who the person is at all?" Kenny asked

"No, I don't" Sam shrugged, "I got advice back from her. It sounds legit"

"We should try devise a plan to reveal who she is" Kenny said

"Why do you want to know who it is so bad?" Sam asked

"Well, so I can have a date" Kenny shrugged

"Dude, you have a girlfriend!" Sam rolled his eyes

"So?" Kenny wrinkled his nose

"So, that's breaking every single law and rule in the guy and girl code you dumbass!" Sam snapped

"Whatever, laws are supposed to be broken. Like rubber" Kenny winked and left, walking past Stan.

Stan was sitting in a corner when Wendy walked over, face grim.

"Stan, I know why you want to leave me" Wendy said quietly

"Uhuh" Stan looked distracted

"I'm sorry I was flirting with other guys in front of you" Wendy admitted

"Look, I think it's best if we see other people, we're kinda stale" Stan snapped

"And I know that there's another person that likes you…" Wendy mumbled, looking down. Stan sighed heavily, stood and said

"We're over" Stan walked away, "We've been over for a long time. We just never said anything"

Bebe looked from the other side of the school hallway. She stared at what just happened. She looked terrified. She felt like she had just enlisted in Revlon to split them up. Everyone was after everyone and no one thought to decide who Revlon was.

_Dear Revlon, _

_I've lived in South Park since I was in preschool... But even now I still have a crush on a guy I've known forever! _

_He acts like he doesn't care, like I'm a problem... But then why did he tell his best friend he likes me? I don't know... I... I think he likes my sister. Except that his 'best friend' is dating my sister! *sighs* I know... But I love this apathetic guy... _

_love, HeartonFire_

_Dear HeartOnFire_

_He probably told his best friend that he liked you because he likes you. You say you think he likes his best friend's sister. This is personal speculation against solid evidence that your crush told HIS best friend, out of his mouth, he likes you. He's probably teasing you about how oh you're a problem and all. Tease the guy back, or even better, flirt back. _

_Revlon. _


	5. Random intermission

**Intermission:**

**Holy sh!t look at all of these followers! *runs in a corner* Ah! Now I can do what I'm famous for! Ask for your suggestions in what should happen in the story! **


	6. Chapter 6

Rachel sat on a fallen log, sniveling, covering her face as her shoulders trembled. She couldn't go into chemistry class looking like this. Her plan was to cry everything out and confess mourning or some recent loss via phone call as her excuse for going late to class. Wiping her nose she sighed and rolled her shoulders and jumped as someone sat with her, dark brown eyes questioning her own mud pool coloured eyes.

"Are you alright?" Sam asked, eyebrow up in a question

"I really am just stressing over school" Rachel shrugged and smeared her nerd glasses on her shirt, attempting to clean them.

"If it makes you feel better, I just got friend zoned" Sam snorted

"Oh, how would that make me feel better" Rachel stared

"Well, you're a girl for starters, you don't have to worry about your girlfriend getting nicked by that player" Sam shrugged, "that we _all_ know the name of"

"Huh?" Rachel stared, how did that play out?" Rachel blinked

"Well, I admitted to Bebe how I was into her…. We really became friends after Clyde dumped her, then I swoop in being the fucking Knight in shining fucking armor and try make the blonde feel better about herself… a year later, I say I love her and she turns around and says she's taken" Sam laughed, "The same fucking bastard that cheated on her and DUMPED her took her back and she fucking _fell_ for it!"

"Are you wise enough to know not to take her when the asshole dumps her again?" Rachel asked

"Oh yeah" Sam snorted, leaning back with a grin, "Never fall for someone who likes jerks. If he treats you like dirt, don't go back to him"

"Hu, I guess " Rachel shrugged

"Now, I've opened up to you as to why I was in a bad mood all morning, tell me why you're really upset" Sam looked at her

"It will sound really stupid and idiotic" Rachel shrugged, "It will sound really childish"

"If it's more idiotic then attempting to stick your finger in an automatic pencil sharpener, then I'll be horrified" Sam smiled reassuringly

Xx

_Dear Revlon,_

_Thank you so much for the advice! I would never try to break them up, I'm not THAT desperate. I have a new question for you, but it's actually one that's been on my mind for a while. If and when they do break up, is it ever okay to ask him out seeing as he's my BFF's Ex? I've always heard that it's practically a sin in the girl world and that it never ends well. Thanks!_

_Confused BFF_

_Confused BFF_

_It doesn't matter what other people think of you dating whomever. Also please take due caution when dating someone who recentally left a relationship. Give them about five months._

_Revlon_

Stan stared at Bebe in amusement.

"You wrote this" Stan stared, holding a paper article

"Uh… maybe" Bebe shrugged

"You basically broke us up" Stan blinked

"It's not like you wanted to be in a relationship anyway" Bebe mumbled

"Aren't you with Kenny?" Stan stared

"Kinda… its complicated" Bebe looked away

"You basically were cheated on, want him back and try and woo me over?" Stan deadpanned, "what?"

"Um-" Bebe started

"Can you give me and Wendy some space?" Stan walked off

_Dear Revlon, _

_I moved to this school when I was in 2nd grade, and I still go here. The problem is that I REALLY like this guy... He dated this Physco chick, kissed a slutty girl, but for some reason I still care about him deeply... I know that he has 2 best friends, one of them was dating my best friend, and I know that he hates this jerk in our school... It makes me sad to see him sad. I want to talk to him, I really do. But seeing as how I promised myself to never fall for anyone... I can't see how I can do that. Please help me? –Scorpio_

_Scorpio_

_Well, if you wanna break the promise, break it and ask him out. If you don't you'll never know the outcome. What possibly could go wrong? It doesn't matter that he dated a slut and a psycho. All that matters is him and his personality. And it also doesn't natter that his best mate is a jerk._

_Revlon_

Stan walked over to Kenny who was salivating over a letter in the boys bathroom.

"Kenny, I have to talk to you" Stan stared

"Huh?" Kenny stared at the paper, not looking away

"You need to stop this" Stan said, "You're disgusting. Everyone knows you're disgusting"

"But everyone chases me" Kenny grinned, "They all love me"

"Well, you can only love one person!" Stan snapped

"Then where's the fun!" Kenny laughed

"Give me that" Stan swiped at the paper

_Dearest Revlon,_

_I'm in love with a boy in our school. I know he loves almost every girl... But I love him. He may be flirtatious, but he's still really cute. Care to assist? Lotus XOXO_

"Dude" Stan sighed heavily, "How is it that you get so many girls after you. The instant they date you, they discover how much of an animal you are, they don't even know- They don't know that you're a player until they see you for who you really are, you play with them and move to the next one. I won't let you hurt another girl's feelings like that again!"

"Oh try!" Kenny winked, "By graduation, I will have been with every girl in the school. Revlon included!"

"After reading those letters I doubt she'll want to" Stan snapped

_Lotus_

_Beware of freaks and creeps out there. If he respects other girls and is not a two tming player, please avoid at all costs, because you will be trodden on like a bed of nails. _

_Revlon_

"Oh that'll change" Kenny leered

"Weirdo" Stan rolled his eyes

"At least she accepts differences" Kenny shrugged, showing Stan another letter

_Dear REVLON, _

_I have a crush on this boy,who is very different from me,that I have anmir from a far but I'm scared if he meets me he'll be like everyone else running away scared and if he hears my voice he'll beat me up because of where I come from my country and his country are enemies and I feel I'll show him drawing I've drawn of him and following him trying to talk him,he kinda a nerdy optimism foreign blonde but I feel we will get along _

_CREEPY ACCENT_

_CREEPY ACCENT_

_If he can look past your accent and the history between your countries, I believe you two will get along fine. If he can't then I believe he is a superficial bastard that doesn't deserve someone like you._

_Revlon._


	7. Chapter 7

_Dear REVLON,_

_A guy that I know has spread rumors about me liking the dorkiest girl in school. Any ideas on how to stop it AND convince everyone the rumors aren't true?_

_From, my5t3ri0n_

Rachel held her bloody nose, surprise playing in her eyes. She cringed as Sam dirtied his sleeve with her disgusting lumpy blood.

"You're not going to ruin your coat because of the blood" Rachel tried to move away

"Eh, its an old coat anyway" Sam shrugged, "now my mom the best excuse to buy a new one, this is too small. And a biohazard"

Rachel snickered at this, "I so want revenge now"

"What? Can I help?" Sam looked like an exited kid at a candy store

"Course. But my idea is really unorthodox" Rachel shrugged

"I should probably but up a poster warning" Sam waved his hands for dramatic purposes "_Beware! Purple underpants toting dude will punch your nose in!" _

"I can't believe he would punch me in the middle of the school cafeteria" Rachel shrugged. "Revlon specifically told him to avoid anything like this and just deny all rumors"

"Well, maybe he didn't think Revlon had a great plan…." Sam wiped her nose again, "I still wouldn't take it as permission to call you an ugly and dorky skank and slam a knuckle in your nose"

"We so need revenge" Rachel huffed and sniffed,, gagging on the blood

"I'm so in. after that bastard did to me" Sam shook his head, "and you"

"This is what we do" Rachel grinned, retying her pony tail

"He should have listened to Revlon. I mean even the Scorpio person thanked Revlon profusely" Sam shrugged

"There's this one girl, brown hair, denims, jean shorts" Rachel started

"Jesus fucking Christ, in winter!?" Sam stared

"Anyway" Rachel motioned, "we need to stop Kenny from doing what we call the deed. We need to stop Anna before its too late"

"That's your revenge?" Sam stared

"Oh no" Rachel laughed, "Oh hell no. Now listen carefully"

"Revlon's thank you letters are going t probably quadruple" Sam snickered

_He... he'd probably reject me! I love him, but he's too blinded by anonymous things to see it!_

_In case you wanted to know what i look like, i have long light-brown hair with light pink streaks the colour of a pink rose and light green eyes. I wear a flowy white ruffled tank top and light-denim jean shorts. I am caucasian._

_My name is Anna ( Anna Lotus Emmerson) and i live in South park. I... i'm in love with Kenny and i'm fine with people knowing. I'm going to ask him out anyway right? _

_Lotus (Anna) XOXO_

_Dear Revlon, _

_Thank you for spend time to give me advice because I feel like a cliche but do I go up and talk to him and ask him or when is the right time?_

_CREEPY ACCENT_

_CREEPY ACCENT_

_The time is now_

_Revlon _


	8. Chapter 8

_Dear Revlon,_

_So I decided to take your advice and gave K a chance. I just wanted to say thanks because HE'S THE BEST BF EVER!_

_... Sorry it's just all of the guys I've dated are pricks, always wanting to do what THEY want to do. K actually asks me where I want to go when we meet up for a date and always starts off a convo by asking how my day was. _

_He actually LISTENS to me, unlike my ex-boyfriends who used to say 'shut up and look pretty'. _

_But now here's my problem, the school's fatass saw us making out in the movie theater and I know he's plotting something. To make matters worse I know my so-called friends are talking about us behind my back but I don't know if they're plotting to break us up or just confused about why I like him._

_K is so sweet and kind, he even reads me poetry as he walks me home to school, he's a keeper but yeah my question, sorry I'm rambling._

_I don't care about fatass, if he tries anything I'll just beat the crap out of him like Wendy but it's my friends who bug me._

_Should I confront them and see what it is they're talking about, make sure they're not plotting a break up or just make sure they're just confused and explain to them how sweet and great K is?_

_I really wish I could talk to W about this, she'd understand but I feel guilty not because of her recent backup but because I used to call her ex pathetic because of his weak stomach around her._

_I feel I should say sorry to her, as like my friends I kept saying it behind her back, would it help if I did? She seems so sad with her poof ball hat bf._

_Well yeah sorry I'm rambling but seriously thank you for earlier, K is so awesome._

_Xx_

_Super Happy Make-Up_

_Dear Super Happy Make-Up_

_Once they get to know K they will leave you alone. I wouldn't do anything and if they start to try and split you up, tell them that its your life and they shouldn't try and drive your life in their path. If you are meant to be with K I would personal not worry and just focus on being his girlfriend, and from the sound of it he sounds fantastic. Kevin, you have a fantastic girlfriend. _

_Revlon_

Kevin stared at this, looking to and from the letter to Lola.

"Wow" Kevin stared, "Um. That's weird Cartman wants to break us up?"

"Yeah" Lola nodded

"I don't know what to do!" Wendy stepped before Lola, ignoring Kevin, "I'm so sick and tired of all of this. A girl just asked Revlon when to- ugh I hate Stan so much"

"Wendy, Cartman's threatening to break us up" Kevin spoke up

"Ugh, I'm going to KIL him! Every GUY is such a JERK!" Wendy stormed off

Xx

Sam kneaded his hands as Rachel closed her hands around a long silver thermos from a large bookcase of thermoses.

"I didn't think stealing from a Planned Parenthood clinic would be a plan" Sam muttered

"This is the best plan I've had in years!" Rachel laughed, muffling her voice. It was 1:03am and they had managed to break in through the back window. They shivered as Rachel slowly slid the door shut.

"Care for kids?" Sam teased

"Fuck no!" Rachel scoffed, "We're way too young"

"Hey!" Sam snatched the can and rocked it like a real baby, chuckling "Don't hurt its feelings!"

"Hey you're the one calling it an IT!" Rachel teased, laughing

"You're all beautiful children, each and every one of ya" Sam patted the can and slid it in his coat. They walked into the night, climbing out the window and running down the road, back home.

"We sorta killed them when we took them out the fridge" Sam muttered

"That's fine" Rachel waved a hand, "it's the fact that he's getting impaled by it that's the joke"

"I feel so bad for this donor" Sam muttered

"A good cause" Rachel gave a thumbs up and they fled

Xx

Kenny and Anna were sitting in the school cafeteria, chatting and eating their lunch. Bebe was now out of the picture.

"So, is it true you're into me?" Kenny asked

"Uh, sort of. I mean, you're so blind to everyone's love towards you and you seem to be with so many countless girls. Don't you have someone who is like… the one?" Anna asked

"Well, there is this one girl… Revl-" Kenny stared

"Hey! Asshole!" Rachel screamed, standing atop a table

Everyone turned to face Rachel's badass stance and the fact she had in her hand, a very large balloon filled what people guessed was water. She lifted it and threw it in Kenny's direction, arcing in a gentle curve and bursting in Kenny's surprised expression, exploding into a peachy smelling white coloured mess with dried bits and sticky blobs and very slimy droplets. Kenny took one look at Anna who was stifling her laughter, face bright red. Everyone erupted into a fit of giggles and howls of laughter. Some girls high-five Rachel as she stepped down, others laughed and the guys high-fives one another after instantly realizing what the hell it was that was in the balloon.

"Good job" Sam high-fived Rachel as they walked out

"More like, good jobs boys" Rachel snorted


	9. Chapter 9 END

_Dear Revlon,_

_Thank you for helping with my love life as I get the chance now how do I get the rumors about me everyone thinks I do witch craft the craft I do are of art,so I'm thinking of changing the way I dress of my black berate,long black trench coat,and combat,and get a tan to not be pale and dye my hair blonde to not have black hair,to put in blue contacts to not have gray eyes and makeup,should I do it to be consider normal_

_CREEPY ACCENT_

_Creepy Accent_

_You shouldn't hide what you look like or else people will fall for the person you want to be, not you._

_Revlon_

Revlon wanted to stop with the whole Revlon letter thing. It was getting tiresome and she kinda wished that everyone would shut up about who would Revlon be. She got one final letter that she then decided she wouldn't reply to.

_Revlon_

_I need to find out who you are. I would like to meet you._

_Kenny_

She then walked over to her friend Bebe and sighed in heavy annoyance.

"Bebe I need your help" Revlon sighed, fixing her hat

"What's the matter?" Bebe stared

"Kenny wants to meet with me" Revlon shrugged , "at Stark's pond"

"Jesus, he is such a fucking player" Bebe flicked her blonde hair

"Can you come with me? I'm scared" Revlon mumbled

"Sure, girl" Bebe squeeed her hand, "I'll come with you. Take a phone, incase"

"Duh!" Revlon laughed

"Okay, meet at my house and we'll walk from there, alright?" Bebe ordered

"Okay" Revlon wandered outside into the fresh air and sighed as she walked home. She walked up to Rachel on the way out.

"Hey, Rachel" Revlon cleared her throat, "That was the best payback I've ever seen"

"Thank you" Rachel shrugged, "about time he got impaled in the face by something grosser than elephant poo"

"Elephant poo?" Revlon snorted, "I guess so"

"Apparently elephant poo ways 14 kilos" Rachel grinned

"God you are such a nerd!" Revlon laughed

"Look, I'm sorry about everything that happened with… well you know.. _that_ idiot guy" Rachel flicked her wrist

"Look" Revlon waved her hand, "It's totally alright. Two questions. What's the opposite colour of purple?"

"Yellow" Rachel answered, "why?"

"Just wondering. Also, where's Stan?" Revlon asked

"He went home a while ago" Rachel shrugged, "Got awfully pissed off about something Kenny said"

"Thanks!" Revlon ran for Stan's house and knocked frantically

Xx

Bebe and Stan stood side by side Revlon who wore a yellow dress.

"Hey, what's with the dress?" Bebe asked

"For symbolism of ho different we are" Revlon shrugged, tucking her coal black hair behind her ears, "even though my coat's purple anyway"

"I'm going to beat him up so bad" Stan muttered, "for hitting on MY girlfriend"

"It's alright, we're not planning on getting together" she giggled

"I sure as hell hope not" Stan held Revlon's hand, "I'm glad you told me you were Revlon. Makes me feel a little better"

"You're Revlon?" Bebe stared at her best friend

"Well, sure!" Revlon smiled, "I couldn't be biased in those damn letters"

Stan and Bebe stood still as they watched Revlon scowled a deep frown as Kenny sauntered over in his mysterion costume.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Kenny glared at Stan

"Protecting my girlfriend from you" Stan snapped

"Wendy?" Kenny clearly looked disgusted

"Asshole" Wendy snarled and stepped back

"How come Bebe's here?" Kenny asked

"To do this" Bebe stepped forward and punched Kenny in the jaw

Xx

_Dear everyone_

_Kenny is a manwhore with a permanent crabs infestation. _

_Wendy Testerburgers_

Stan laughed at the letter with Bebe and Wendy. They were laughing at the poor spelling of Wendy's surname and the fact that Kenny was now considered a crabs riddled slut and forever lady-less. Everyone instantly knew who Revlon was. Because that letter was in the exact same place were Revlon's letters would be.

THE END PEOPLE


End file.
